The long and the short of it

Exercise 3 in Writing Tool No. 7 asked you to rewrite this passage from "The Diving Bell and the Butterfly" by Jean-Dominique Bauby into a single sentence. Here are the submissions so far:

The original: I am fading away. Slowly but surely. Like the sailor who watches the home shore gradually disappear, I watch my past recede. My old life still burns within me, but more and more of it is reduced to the ashes of memory.

From Lea: I am fading away as my old life—still burning within me—is more and more reduced to the ashes of memory and, slowly but surely, I watch my past recede like an old sailor who watches the home shore gradually disappear.

From Steve G.: While my old life still burns within me, slowly but surely I fade away, my past receding like the sailor watching the home shore gradually disappearing, more and more of my memory reduced to ashes.

From Sarah: My old life still burns within me yet, slowly but surely I am fading away, like a sailor who watches the home shore gradually disappear, I watch my past recede as more and more of it is reduced to the ashes of memory.

From Denise Lilly: Like the sailor who watches the home shore gradually disappear, I watch my past recede and fade away slowly, as my old life—still burning within me—is reduced, more and more, to the ashes of memory.

From Sandra: Though my old life still burns within me, I fade away slowly, watching my past recede like the sailor who watches the home shore gradually disappear, more and more of it reduced to the ashes of memory.

From Samantha: I watch my past recede like the sailor watches the home shore gradually disappear, slowly but surely I fade away, my old life still burning within me but more and more of it reduced to the ashes of memory.

From Aleta: I watch my past recede, like the sailor who watches the home shore gradually disappear, as I fade away, slowly but surely, and although my old life still burns within me, more and more of it is reduced to the ashes of memory.

I prefer all of these over the short, choppy original -- but then I don't know the context of the passage in the book. Was there an attempt to mimic some rhythm? Is it consistent with the author's style, tone, voice, etc.?

If I were editing, there would be some of the rewritten sentences I would change to retain the original comparison to the sailor. What is being compared to the sailor in the original? Can you see rewritten sentences where this comparison is changed? Comments welcome.